The Internal Struggle

I still desire to learn,

Do you still desire to teach?

Is knowledge something I must earn?

Something to be kept out of my reach?

Right now I am learning some things

About me that I had not discovered,

And also some things about you

I wish that I had not uncovered.

Learning by silent observing

Teaches much without active instruction,

But thinking about the intent or effect

Of this method results in destruction.

Soul searching and journeying inward,

To find intent to your words and your actions,

Only leads to self blame, and self loathing,

To guilt and to other distractions.

And yet following blindly behind you,

Catching stray falling crumbs as I go,

Is not an ideal arrangement

Which will help me to learn and to grow.

So I find someone out there to help me

And you say you are happy with this

But when he shares things you consider beyond me

You are overly quick to dismiss.

It’s frustrating for me to be silent

But you have erected a wall.

And on no terms am I to climb over,

Lest I get to the top or perhaps fall.

I am too proud to give up until asked to,

To stubborn to leave till it’s done,

So I turn up and smile, wondering all of the while,

Why your clouds want to block out my sun.

In the fullness of time things may become clearer,

Perhaps for me and perhaps for you too,

And we will both will have learned from each other,

In a way because that’s what we do.

Until then you’ll just be my first teacher,

The one who first lit the flame,

That turned to a fire and a burning desire;

To me learning was never a game.

You will remain considered my friend,

Close, yet distant, and often aloof.

And I’ll have to accept that your madness

has method, (without any proof).